Loving loving you

Loving you hurts.
It's like your whole body is screaming it all out and all I hear is your name. I can feel my gut screech it's way out, my skin tearing itself apart, my eyes burning like a ball of fire.

Loving you makes my goosebumps epilate it's way out, my lips drying itself, my nails scratching the last nerve till I bleed while my ears hear a dead tone.

Loving you makes my heart wrench, intestines squeal, backbone shatter and my shoulders heavy.

My mind has shut down, my veins refuse to flow, my lungs have forgotten to breathe, my tears refuse to stop gushing out and every muscle feels swollen.

My kidneys are crying, my fingers are dying to touch you, my bare hands hoping they can get one more chance to hold you, my throat can't gulp and my soul?

My soul is dead already.

Loving you has been the most grateful experience I can ever recall, it needs no more death, can't handle enough life but most importantly loving you made me realize, I can go on for a lifetime only loving you.

Self Pity

Imagine him as an insecure worthless man suddenly crowned king. He suddenly feels elated and worth in all the power he just received and in all that, he has now found a woman way out of his league to be all his.

Are you getting it? He will do everything it takes to keep her. He has never experienced this before. He is so sure that he is getting something he doesn't deserve that he will just not let her go. It's the only element in his life massaging his ego.

He is so insecure that he will lose the sudden power and chance to control he just got. He will manipulate and do everything it takes to protect the one thing that makes or breaks his ego.

She is his and her job is now to charm him and him only. Nobody can belong to her but him. She can meet her parents only once his demands are met; when he is occupied doing something else.

How can she even try to do anything she wants that doesn't highlight his prowess. Anything she does should not embarrass him. She represents him and his being at all times.

Imagine how fucking insecure a king could be that he demands she breathes only the oxygen he provides for her. He will go out of his way to do things for her not to make her happy, but to make him look like the good King. He will be amazing in bed and validate his manhood by being a great lover, rather than enjoying the intimate experience.

If her thoughts aren't in the same wavelength as his, he will demand she thinks like him. Its absolutely unacceptable for her to question the King's beliefs when he is doing so much for her she mandatorily has to be indebted to.

He will throw all his insecurities on her because she is his dumping ground. It is her job to please him during his misery. He will keep putting her love to test and expect her to prove her love for him again and again because nothing she does is enough for him to believe her love is worthy of faith.

He will challenge her, pull her down, torture her and put her in mental chambers so that anything she does to break out of it will mean she is disloyal and is not doing enough for her lover to keep him happy. She is rebelling to keep him sad. He will throw taunts and make sarcastic comments about her because instead of standing up for herself, she is submitting to his behaviour and that again is boosting his ego.

He is not happy that he has someone out of his league, he is happy that someone out of his league is under his control. He is out there to make a public statement of his control over someone so beyond his imagination.

He believes he has a certain entitlement over her and his image of her is so over fantasised and exaggerated in his head that her actions can never match that fantasy. He would rather punish her for not meeting his standards than respecting her human rights.

His apologies to her are not so he can mend mistakes she took offence to, his apologies are so he can win her back and trap her in his environment so that she doesn't go.

He is so insecure, he still believes deep down he doesn't deserve her. So he will push her away with his actions because he wants that. He will never leave someone he can never have. He will ensure she leaves him so he can squander her image and self esteem and breed on self loathing and self pity. So he can come across as he got dumped. The bitch dumped the king when he was such a great guy. He and his ministers will ensure they punish and scrutinize her for everything she just had the audacity to do.

Almost like abuse is not reason enough to leave her because deep down, he is a great guy for all the good things he's done for her.

That is absolute bullshit!
He is selfish and self centred and he wants her all to himself. Nobody gets to keep her happy but him so that when he makes her sad, he can rub it across that he is the only person making her happy and she keeps coming back to him.

So that once she leaves, she is so miserable, she doesn't even know where to pick herself up. Why didn't she leave earlier? Why so many chances? Because of FEAR.
Because she has been told again and again that she is nothing and most definitely, nothing without him.

But the day she leaves, his kingdom will fall and he will do everything to get her back so HIS kingdom doesn't fall. He most definitely will not do anything about treating her any better.
And as soon as she is back, he will get back to being the insecure bastard because he still believes he controls someone who is way out of his league and what makes him happy is not that she is there for him, what makes him happy is that he can torture her to bits and shatter everything she is and will still not leave,
Until she is done one day!

And that is the end of him, he has to rebuild his entire empire and he is so insecure and worthless, he will never do what it takes to rebuild it for himself.

Emotional abuse, dot dot.

Don't

Don't remind me of my past. It isn't easier for me either.
Don't point my mistakes all the time, I've learnt to accept them and work on it better.
Don't pull me down with all your energies and not expect me to fight back.
Don't vent your anger all out on me because of your inability to hold onto yourself.
Don't measure me by your watch and blame my clock to have caused.
Don't live in your fears to such an extent that I am held responsible for your actions.
Don't throw me into the high tide and question why I'm downing.
Don't judge me on situations because you would've dealt with it differently.
Don't make me cry and wonder why your tears aren't stopping.
Don't date me if you're not ready for me.
Don't bleed to such an extent that you need my blood only to survive.
Don't worry about me so much that I don't have space to breathe.
Don't hold me answerable to questions I'm not even responsible for.
Don't tear me apart in pieces and wonder why you're not able to fix me right.
Don't try knowing about me if you don't have the strength to bear what is coming right ahead of you.
Don't overdo things to expect me to do the same.
Don't bring me down with your pessimism when I breed on optimism.
Don't crib about everything that even the little that is right goes wrong.
Don't pass comments about everything that I need to start hiding only to survive.
Don't expect good things to happen when you don't even see all the good that has ever happened.
Don't destroy me and expect me to apologise.
Don't think I will still have the threshold to stay if this continues.