Aaj kya chahiye

Baat yeh hai ki hum dono ka rishta do doron se bandha hua hai, ek hai nasamajh ki, aur doosri - badkismati. Compatibility baaki poori duniya se hai, ek doosre ke saathi hi nahi banti.
Jis raaste se ham chal rahe hain, 3 hi raaste dikhayi de rahe hain aage
- Ek hai ki hum bas ek doosre ko poori tarah samajh jaaye.
- doosri baat yeh hai ki bilkul na samjhe aur ek aisa din aayega jab ek doosre ko farak padna bhi bandh hi ho jaayega ya ab bohot chal liya, ghar jaane ka rasta humne bohot pehle kho diya hai.
- Ab dono hi na chale toh teesri baat tak atak jaaye jahaan dor hi toot jaaye.
Aur yeh baat, hum dono jaante hai, bas kehte nahi hai

Ek doosre ko hum zabardasti special banane ki koshish karte hain. Isi ummeed se ki doosra khush rahe, unko accha lage hamare saath rehkar. But ab dekha jaaye toh itne bhi koi special hai nahi hum ek doosre ke liye. Jo cheez ham ne ek doosre ke liye kiya hai, hum aur bohot logon ke liye karte hain. Bas ab ek doosre ke life mein kuch hua hai jisse hum important hai ek doosre ke liye, toh apni taraf se bana dete hain us moment ko special.

Jab mere liye Pune aaye toh laga, Vaah! aur kisi ko kahaan aise din dekhne ko milenge. Galat the.
Jab phone par fingerprint register kiya, phir laga ki yaar, bohot hi special honge. Galat the.
Jab bank account ke details mile, ek aur baar yahin dhokha kha gaye ki hamare alava koi aise din dekh hi nahi paayega. Galat the.
Agar tumse poochoge toh maine aise hi kaafi cheezein ki hogi baaki logon ke liye, jo maine tumhare saamne ek exclusivity ki feeling hi de di. Galat the.

Aise mein phas kaise gaye, samajh nahi aata.
Natural compatibility door door tak nahi, main koi galti dikha doon toh tum bhi mere mein vahin kami dikha dete ho, sunte toh hai nahi ek doosre ki, bas apna pair bach jaaye doobne se, samajh lete hain ki yahi sahi hai. Jhoot toh bohot bolte hain ek doosre se, insaan ek jaise hi hai, bas jab doosra vahi kare, jhela nahi jaata.

Ab ek doorse ke life mein important hain, special hone ka dikhava bhi kar diya par jab expectations ki baari aa gayi toh bhagvaan samajhke baatein kar lete hain. Kabhi kabhi darr lagta hai kahin doosre ko ghutan na mehsoos ho, toot jaayenge.

Jis din hum ek doosre ko itna self importance dena bandh kar denge, tab thoda lagega ki rishta kahin aage badh sakta hai. Varna isi darr mein doobte rahenge ki itna kar ke bhi hum kahin ke nahi rahe.

Badkismati bhi alag hi khel khel leti hai hamare saath,
jab saath the tab time toh tha nahi ek doosre ke saath spend karne ka, ki koi event mein hum saath mein chale jaaye. Jab bichad gaye, tab didi ki shaadi bhi ho gayi, peena bhi shuru kar diya, kaafi travel karne ki himmat thi, train le le kar doosre jagah chale gaye, bade acche dost bana diye, kharche kar diye kaafi. Hamare aate hi, kaam aa gaya, baat karne na time na internet. Ya koi bimaar ho gaya, choti choti cheezon mein paise beech mein aa jaate hain, ek doosre ki ehemiyat bhool jaate hain.
Bhool jaate hain voh din jo bina ek doosre ke bitaye hain, voh tadap ki samajh chali jaati hai.
Apne usool, apne kamiyaan, apna gussa - bas vahin par atak jaate hain.

Zindagi bhool si lag jaati hai or roz subah uthkar khud hi ko dhakka dena padta hai ki yaar, ek aur din chal jaaye bas. Bhagvaan bhi alag hi khel khel leta hai hamare saath.
Pyaar ke saamne chota kar deta hai insaan ko. Ab ya insaan akele hi ji le ya pyaar mein roz doob doob kar jiye, farak sirf us ek faisle ki hai - aaj kya chahiye?

Last letter

No!
Not okay at all.

This is exactly what I meant by misleading. It's not about just being honest and not wanting to take things further.
You don't just show warmth and walk out without any consideration whatsoever.

I can't keep calling you 50 times a day with false hopes that you're going to meet me again.

Perhaps I should have known that that evening was my last. What took you 4 hours to tell me that the chances of meeting are 0?

Am I forcing you to be around? Am I intimidating you into anything? Is this the guilt speaking? Is this all out of some emotional blackmail that I'm throwing at you? Am I being very demanding?

That fact that you're going to be bored of your friends only to come back and meet me instead. That's not true, at all. If you really want to leave, you figure ways out. You don't keep your friends waiting on false hopes, you don't do that to your family. It's not even a personality trait. I don't understand why that was so easy for you to do with me? I know you're not even thinking about me anymore. You have this lovely life ahead of you with happy people, why waste your time trying to pacify someone who is being difficult and uninteresting! I get it.

But I constantly find myself asking why do I find myself constantly chasing you only to watch you push yourself further away?
Please don't stick around because you'll feel guilty of hurting me or because you don't want to lose a friend. For someone who doesn't want to lose a dear friend or I'm the only happy resort in your life, you don't grow indifferent about losing them to a point that you'll only be affected temporarily. That's not how I know it.

You want the distance. Please fucking keep it. I'm not troubling you anymore. I'm sorry I'm not so cool and calm about things. I hyperventilate and I'm losing myself. I'm pushing myself away from you. Just an attempt to spare you the effort of having to do it yourself.

You're a great guy but I'm not okay with this. You have a lot of new things happening in your life. A new pet, friends getting together like this after so long, you're laughing constantly after a while, coming home to a functional family, I think you should focus on that.

Not that you'll be worried about me but I'll figure my way out. Sticking around because you don't want to lose a friend isn't justifiably enough make a joke out of me at the same time.

I'm sick and tired. I'm irritated and I have absolutely no strength to pick myself up. Waking up and sleeping feel like struggles. My appetite has gone for a toss and I don't know the difference between right or wrong anymore.

I highly doubt you'll enjoy my company at a time when I'm so vulnerable to your actions. I'm just an explosion away from ruining your day furthermore.

Thank you for everything. The things you've done, I'm exceptionally grateful. I couldn't have wanted it any other way. I know you've tried your best to keep up with my changing mood swings and still not left but your staying isn't a very healthy form of sticking around either. The indifference is absolutely unnecessary and I won't force you to alter your behaviour. I'm just choosing to not be at the receiving end of it.

I'm glad I met you but I'm sorry, I'm not taking this further. I don't want anyone in my life right now and as many people away from me, the better.

I used to hate the idea of being alone and lonely, but I strongly feel that's better than your unavailability. Emotionally, physically and mentally.

I sincerely apologize for all the disappointment and nuisance I've caused in the last 4-5 months. Have a beautiful future ahead!

Take care of yourself Yash.
Love!

Aisa Kya

Aisa kya rula diya kisi ne ki
ab doston ki kami nazar aane lage
Aisa kya keh diya kisi ne ki
ab baatein tasveerein si banne lage
Aisa kya soch liya kisi ne ki
ab zindagi doosron ki nazar se dikhne lage
Aisa kya hasa diya kisi ne ki
ab khushi mein bhi aansoo aane lage
Aisa kya bhula diya kisi ne ki
ab maut mein hi dilaasa mile
Aisa kya chu liya kisi ne ki
ab kaanton mein bhi aaraam mile
Aisa kya pyaar kar liya kisi ne ki
ab doori se rishta nibhana pade
Aisa kya pukaar liya kisi ne ki
ab khud se zyaada naam mein jaan aane lage
Aisa kya daraa diya kisi ne ki
ab sachchai se bhi pair kaapne lage
Aisa kya samajh liya kisi ne ki
ab khud ko badalne ki zaroorat padne lage
Aisa kya sikha diya kisine ki
Ab zindagi sambhalne lage
Aisa kya sula diya kisine ki
ab majboori mein bhi aankhein na khule
Aisa kya likh diya kisi ne ki
ab shabdon mein poori zindagi nazar aane lage

Tu koi aur hai

Pal mein jo keh diya,
palkhon pe nazar aaye,
yeh deewar jo banaa di,
rishtey tootne lage,
takdeer mein jo likha tha,
voh dheere se kaatne lage,
chabaaye, rulaaye, dhamkaaye,
kahaan jaaye koi?

Jahan pair rakho,
vahin kaante badhe,
jis jis se baat karo,
vahi roothkar chala jaaye,
sadak banane ki himmat nahi,
kachhe raaste anant nahi,

Chadh jao toh badtameezi,
Door raho toh akeli,
pehle bhi ho chuka hai,
har baat mein kami reh gayi thi,
ifaazat rakhna toh hai,
ijaazat mili nahi,

Ek dor ne pakad liya hai,
khichne par toot jaaye,
Dhila rakho toh phisal jaaye,
Is chakravyuh mein kis kis ko pehechaanu,
baat itni kareeb hai,
galat logon mein na behek jaaye,

nange pair chale hain har raah par,
jahaan makhmal, vahin par keela,
jahaan ret, vahi paon geela,
doob gaye, tham gaye, awaaz uthaye,
Chal ay raahi, tu chal.
Girkar hi sahi,
Teri zindagi nahi, kisi aur ki banale.
Kisi aur ki banale.

In the middle of nowhere

Sunset.
Dusk.
It all goes away in time,
shaded musk.
Fades out.
We're on the tree.
In between.
It's cold.
Bold.
Bare.
The chemistry we share.
Fingers align.
Moves that define.
Your lips travel down my spine.
In that moment, You're mine.
Hold me tight. I'm falling.
Guts sprawling.
Winter is calling.
Look at me. Watch me drown.
As I go down,
Sweet nothings said,
Unsure of what's ahead,
I kiss your head,
slurp what's red,
See you gloat, 
when I go deep throat,
Spit, lick, yum.
Grab your bum.
You slide down under,
Pierce it in, begin to plunder.
Gnaw me to bits,
Caress my tits,
There you are,
inside me,
Deeper than I thought,
I feel free,
And you pull out,
dot dot!

Murdered

I murdered a girl.
I murdered that girl who laughed like there was no end to her happiness. I hurt the girl who believed in people, who thought her loved ones would never hurt. The girl who believed that lost who love her are the ones who will protect her. I murdered her the day I told her, only she can protect herself.

I murdered a girl.
I murdered her faith in older men, those who'd constantly want her for themselves. I slaughtered her need to fight, defend and debate it all out. I figured she'd be safe if she showed ignorance. If she'd kindly walk out without a hint of drama. I was wrong.

I murdered a girl.
I murdered her need to learn from her wounds. What slowly died was the shadow of assurance. I sold to her facts like bad days will end without ever reminding her about the end of good days. I killed the girl who once collected coins, stamps, postcards and friendship bands. She now collects herself and scars.

I murdered a girl.
I murdered that little child in her who wanted to play in her lawn, swing fearlessly, slide down laughing, circle away to glory. It's all dead now. She now plays with fire, swings her moods around, slides down to absolute failure and forms circles with the smoke that she let's out.

I murdered the one girl that could be.
I murdered me.

To be expressed

It's this. You caught me at a time when I was numb, for everything. Numb. I felt nothing, I was neutral to everything, until you happened. You know how when everything is bland and one thing starts to excite you, you see yourself driving towards it. That's what happened.

I was done with everything and then you happened. I see myself wanting to tell you everything, about myself, the world around me, my thoughts and wanting to get the same back from you.

Because I was getting it. It seemed thrilling and exciting. Now, you've started to grow into a habit. A bad habit.

I see you living your life, one moment at a time and I'm just ranting my world out to you, silently hoping you're listening.
Only to realize you're in a different mind frame. You have newer things that excite you and I have now taken a backseat. Which is fine, but I'm still there. Nothing else has happened yet that can excite me as much as you have.

Multiple messages make sense if there is a conversation. But now, it feels like spam, it feels like every time you check your phone, you have 30-40 messages of just rattle, without even knowing how to respond to any of them. You're trying but there is only so much you can do. You shouldn't do more than this. You should have the time of your life. These are the only six months that you have, and your life will change, again!

I have too many unbalanced energies and my way of letting them all out is by expressing it from my gut. No filter. None. What I'm doing is instead of sharing my emotions or days with you, I'm lashing them all out on you. Fortunately I haven't gotten to a stage where you're responsible for my happiness, but I'm scared I'll get there. I want to protect you from me Sushane, I do. I know everything I've been doing is not affecting you as much. That speaks very highly of your threshold to acceptance and how kind you are. But that doesn't explain why I should be allowed to behave like this. It's not right. What I'm doing to you is unhealthy and I see it. I do.

I need to figure another way of channeling my energies and not treat you like an escape route. That makes me a disrespectful fuck, and it's sick! I have never behaved like this, this is the first time I'm witnessing myself in such a state of emotional delusion. I'm a scattered heart and I struggle to settle for something. I'm constantly yearning for more. But I'll work on it.