Last letter

No!
Not okay at all.

This is exactly what I meant by misleading. It's not about just being honest and not wanting to take things further.
You don't just show warmth and walk out without any consideration whatsoever.

I can't keep calling you 50 times a day with false hopes that you're going to meet me again.

Perhaps I should have known that that evening was my last. What took you 4 hours to tell me that the chances of meeting are 0?

Am I forcing you to be around? Am I intimidating you into anything? Is this the guilt speaking? Is this all out of some emotional blackmail that I'm throwing at you? Am I being very demanding?

That fact that you're going to be bored of your friends only to come back and meet me instead. That's not true, at all. If you really want to leave, you figure ways out. You don't keep your friends waiting on false hopes, you don't do that to your family. It's not even a personality trait. I don't understand why that was so easy for you to do with me? I know you're not even thinking about me anymore. You have this lovely life ahead of you with happy people, why waste your time trying to pacify someone who is being difficult and uninteresting! I get it.

But I constantly find myself asking why do I find myself constantly chasing you only to watch you push yourself further away?
Please don't stick around because you'll feel guilty of hurting me or because you don't want to lose a friend. For someone who doesn't want to lose a dear friend or I'm the only happy resort in your life, you don't grow indifferent about losing them to a point that you'll only be affected temporarily. That's not how I know it.

You want the distance. Please fucking keep it. I'm not troubling you anymore. I'm sorry I'm not so cool and calm about things. I hyperventilate and I'm losing myself. I'm pushing myself away from you. Just an attempt to spare you the effort of having to do it yourself.

You're a great guy but I'm not okay with this. You have a lot of new things happening in your life. A new pet, friends getting together like this after so long, you're laughing constantly after a while, coming home to a functional family, I think you should focus on that.

Not that you'll be worried about me but I'll figure my way out. Sticking around because you don't want to lose a friend isn't justifiably enough make a joke out of me at the same time.

I'm sick and tired. I'm irritated and I have absolutely no strength to pick myself up. Waking up and sleeping feel like struggles. My appetite has gone for a toss and I don't know the difference between right or wrong anymore.

I highly doubt you'll enjoy my company at a time when I'm so vulnerable to your actions. I'm just an explosion away from ruining your day furthermore.

Thank you for everything. The things you've done, I'm exceptionally grateful. I couldn't have wanted it any other way. I know you've tried your best to keep up with my changing mood swings and still not left but your staying isn't a very healthy form of sticking around either. The indifference is absolutely unnecessary and I won't force you to alter your behaviour. I'm just choosing to not be at the receiving end of it.

I'm glad I met you but I'm sorry, I'm not taking this further. I don't want anyone in my life right now and as many people away from me, the better.

I used to hate the idea of being alone and lonely, but I strongly feel that's better than your unavailability. Emotionally, physically and mentally.

I sincerely apologize for all the disappointment and nuisance I've caused in the last 4-5 months. Have a beautiful future ahead!

Take care of yourself Yash.
Love!

Aisa Kya

Aisa kya rula diya kisi ne ki
ab doston ki kami nazar aane lage
Aisa kya keh diya kisi ne ki
ab baatein tasveerein si banne lage
Aisa kya soch liya kisi ne ki
ab zindagi doosron ki nazar se dikhne lage
Aisa kya hasa diya kisi ne ki
ab khushi mein bhi aansoo aane lage
Aisa kya bhula diya kisi ne ki
ab maut mein hi dilaasa mile
Aisa kya chu liya kisi ne ki
ab kaanton mein bhi aaraam mile
Aisa kya pyaar kar liya kisi ne ki
ab doori se rishta nibhana pade
Aisa kya pukaar liya kisi ne ki
ab khud se zyaada naam mein jaan aane lage
Aisa kya daraa diya kisi ne ki
ab sachchai se bhi pair kaapne lage
Aisa kya samajh liya kisi ne ki
ab khud ko badalne ki zaroorat padne lage
Aisa kya sikha diya kisine ki
Ab zindagi sambhalne lage
Aisa kya sula diya kisine ki
ab majboori mein bhi aankhein na khule
Aisa kya likh diya kisi ne ki
ab shabdon mein poori zindagi nazar aane lage

Tu koi aur hai

Pal mein jo keh diya,
palkhon pe nazar aaye,
yeh deewar jo banaa di,
rishtey tootne lage,
takdeer mein jo likha tha,
voh dheere se kaatne lage,
chabaaye, rulaaye, dhamkaaye,
kahaan jaaye koi?

Jahan pair rakho,
vahin kaante badhe,
jis jis se baat karo,
vahi roothkar chala jaaye,
sadak banane ki himmat nahi,
kachhe raaste anant nahi,

Chadh jao toh badtameezi,
Door raho toh akeli,
pehle bhi ho chuka hai,
har baat mein kami reh gayi thi,
ifaazat rakhna toh hai,
ijaazat mili nahi,

Ek dor ne pakad liya hai,
khichne par toot jaaye,
Dhila rakho toh phisal jaaye,
Is chakravyuh mein kis kis ko pehechaanu,
baat itni kareeb hai,
galat logon mein na behek jaaye,

nange pair chale hain har raah par,
jahaan makhmal, vahin par keela,
jahaan ret, vahi paon geela,
doob gaye, tham gaye, awaaz uthaye,
Chal ay raahi, tu chal.
Girkar hi sahi,
Teri zindagi nahi, kisi aur ki banale.
Kisi aur ki banale.

In the middle of nowhere

Sunset.
Dusk.
It all goes away in time,
shaded musk.
Fades out.
We're on the tree.
In between.
It's cold.
Bold.
Bare.
The chemistry we share.
Fingers align.
Moves that define.
Your lips travel down my spine.
In that moment, You're mine.
Hold me tight. I'm falling.
Guts sprawling.
Winter is calling.
Look at me. Watch me drown.
As I go down,
Sweet nothings said,
Unsure of what's ahead,
I kiss your head,
slurp what's red,
See you gloat, 
when I go deep throat,
Spit, lick, yum.
Grab your bum.
You slide down under,
Pierce it in, begin to plunder.
Gnaw me to bits,
Caress my tits,
There you are,
inside me,
Deeper than I thought,
I feel free,
And you pull out,
dot dot!

Murdered

I murdered a girl.
I murdered that girl who laughed like there was no end to her happiness. I hurt the girl who believed in people, who thought her loved ones would never hurt. The girl who believed that lost who love her are the ones who will protect her. I murdered her the day I told her, only she can protect herself.

I murdered a girl.
I murdered her faith in older men, those who'd constantly want her for themselves. I slaughtered her need to fight, defend and debate it all out. I figured she'd be safe if she showed ignorance. If she'd kindly walk out without a hint of drama. I was wrong.

I murdered a girl.
I murdered her need to learn from her wounds. What slowly died was the shadow of assurance. I sold to her facts like bad days will end without ever reminding her about the end of good days. I killed the girl who once collected coins, stamps, postcards and friendship bands. She now collects herself and scars.

I murdered a girl.
I murdered that little child in her who wanted to play in her lawn, swing fearlessly, slide down laughing, circle away to glory. It's all dead now. She now plays with fire, swings her moods around, slides down to absolute failure and forms circles with the smoke that she let's out.

I murdered the one girl that could be.
I murdered me.

To be expressed

It's this. You caught me at a time when I was numb, for everything. Numb. I felt nothing, I was neutral to everything, until you happened. You know how when everything is bland and one thing starts to excite you, you see yourself driving towards it. That's what happened.

I was done with everything and then you happened. I see myself wanting to tell you everything, about myself, the world around me, my thoughts and wanting to get the same back from you.

Because I was getting it. It seemed thrilling and exciting. Now, you've started to grow into a habit. A bad habit.

I see you living your life, one moment at a time and I'm just ranting my world out to you, silently hoping you're listening.
Only to realize you're in a different mind frame. You have newer things that excite you and I have now taken a backseat. Which is fine, but I'm still there. Nothing else has happened yet that can excite me as much as you have.

Multiple messages make sense if there is a conversation. But now, it feels like spam, it feels like every time you check your phone, you have 30-40 messages of just rattle, without even knowing how to respond to any of them. You're trying but there is only so much you can do. You shouldn't do more than this. You should have the time of your life. These are the only six months that you have, and your life will change, again!

I have too many unbalanced energies and my way of letting them all out is by expressing it from my gut. No filter. None. What I'm doing is instead of sharing my emotions or days with you, I'm lashing them all out on you. Fortunately I haven't gotten to a stage where you're responsible for my happiness, but I'm scared I'll get there. I want to protect you from me Sushane, I do. I know everything I've been doing is not affecting you as much. That speaks very highly of your threshold to acceptance and how kind you are. But that doesn't explain why I should be allowed to behave like this. It's not right. What I'm doing to you is unhealthy and I see it. I do.

I need to figure another way of channeling my energies and not treat you like an escape route. That makes me a disrespectful fuck, and it's sick! I have never behaved like this, this is the first time I'm witnessing myself in such a state of emotional delusion. I'm a scattered heart and I struggle to settle for something. I'm constantly yearning for more. But I'll work on it.

After the bachelorette

Nope, I was married. He called it off after the bachelorette.
With no sign of remorse, friend of thunder, brother of the storm, the menial task of ignorance.

I stood there, frozen. Melting in my own ice. Cold. Warm. Absolute. Stale. Over. Out.
Bitterness, expanding. Faith, shrinking.

I felt like a collection of broken glass. Cut. Bleeding every time I tried to fix it. Only waiting for it to shatter. Again.

He was a really good stripper. He stripped his soul away. Left with nothing to lose. He stripped me off my dignity, I lost. The only stone I treasured.

I was married. He called it off after that bachelorette. I walk now. In cracks. Untimely coordinated. I'm now glad he left then. I killed our child. No trace. Goodbye.

Love and other drugs

Drugs, drinks, damp rooms,
Silently tickling down your nervous spine,
Radar of the conscious, geared up for fumes,
Forgetting what belongs to the world, what is mine.

Menace of the heart, sleep;
Camouflage what exists, shatter.
Your world, the dark room; weep;
Tick tock, tick tock; doesn't matter.

Eyes wide shut, eyes half open;
Frail mind, scarred skin,
Lit doobies, bong hits, bottles poppin'
Submitted, warm soul, burnt often.

Lay there, count stars, count again,
Don't come back, let more in, bad world, hide;
Don't reason, muscled in vain;
leave if you must, but leave some morphine by my bedside.

Night night, sleep tight;
One day at a time, masked cry;
Don't give up this fight, watch it bite, right alright;
Inhale, breathe out, die and dry.

Frankly my darling, you're all I've been looking for

Frank my darling, you're all I've been looking for. You make me want to let you be, stand there arms open everytime you want to fall. Just for the sake of falling.

I take back a lot more than you realize. No, I don't want your commitment, I don't want you to babysit, I don't want you to go out of your way, I want to be as much a part of your paradigm as long as I'm walking along the way.

There is consolidation in your presence, there is truth to your guilt, there is remorse towards chaos and there is love, just the right amount of it for those who need it.

I love you, I know I do. But not the kind of love that can't handle the distance, not an obsession where I demand you to be mine, not the need to be my newspaper, not the kind of love that takes up all of you to complete all of me.

I love you for I feel calm around the warmth, to offer all I can for you to be who you want to be, not according to me, no love, NEVER. I really love you for the mess we make of ourselves and still wonder why we're even worth the conversation, for the comfort of being as human as possible, for letting go of what troubles to experience a sigh of relief, for that long read that can get me teary eyed, for the beautiful poetry I have the privilege of experiencing, for the heightened emotions, the physical ordeal, menace of expression, the dance of the heart, I love you for all the closure.

I don't love you to force a future of permanence, to accuse you of not trusting whom your heart wants to glide you, to manoeuvre according to a dysfunctional society that breaks you down only because it can, to silently weep.

I adore you because I want to celebrate life with you, your falls, your mishappenings, your dinner menu, your dreams, your efforts of informality, your sharp eyes, ruffled beard, your choices. All your choices. Your brand of shampoo, underwear, curtains, furniture upholstery, tattered phones, broken messages, hearts, conscious mistakes, the shell you hide into when you can't think. I want to toast to that. To the strength of your decision.

I will take as much as you give me, will give you as much as I can, hold you whenever it's okay, protect you against all the nightmares we both don't see coming. I want to go all out and help you hunt for people in your life who will help you grow, show you more of yourself, question your threshold and bring you down on your knees for a small bargain. I want to witness all that.

I love you because after a long time I could allow myself to be without wanting to control the derivations of it all. I love you because I know under the most trying of circumstances, should they happen, whether it's deception, a devastating battle, clash of ideologies, unreasonable respect for one another's lifestyle and mere emotional thrashing, it still won't be enough to stop me from loving you, all of you.

I will still want to love you, day in and day out to watch you grow into a man far better than your expectations, in all human possibilities.

Your frown matters, and within my perimeter of acceptance, I want to know somewhere, I did something to change that.

Mentioned, I always thought that when I find someone, he'd be the luckiest bloke on earth to have me all his. You made me realize, that she who wins your heart will in all honesty be the luckiest of them all, and the honour and privilege of being there right then when this happens is worth every muscle spent.

Frankly my darling, you're all I've been looking for. To celebrate our lives together, apart.

Martyr of love - etched

Reason stroking every moment of appreciation, tying threads into knots of disbelief. Here, I stand, arms wide open, stains of love etched, defeated. That touch of thunder, shriveled body, clumsy pain and silent scare of summer love.

Go, but take care, amuse yourself in cuddles and let the blisters of heart ache heal. Descend if you must, its okay. We shall love each other in distance. Break while apart. Ripped, with grace.

The last night together, I can expose myself to you for unmeasurable time. You believed, that felt absolute. Hold me tight but let go. Let the ego not suffer. I'll come one day, at your wedding, sing in merry, celebrate. Martyr of love, discoverer of delinquency.

Today we are us, tomorrow, you and I. Let it all out during the transitional melancholy. One day, we shall meet, again. Moonlight bright, again.